Archive for the 'Other Stuff' Category

Estella redux

July 19, 2006

Several months ago I wrote about the death of my friendship with Estella.  I thought that writing about it would get it out of my head. Sadly it hasn’t.

I still dream about Estella quite regularly.  I seem drawn to imagining what would happen if we encountered each other.  Would she apologise, or would she cut me?  Would she be frosty but professional, would she make it clear she was top dog and I must apologise first?  Sometimes I think about what I would say or do myself, but usually I’m just totally reactive to her.  I wait and see what she will do, I let her take the lead, in my head.

I want to stop thinking about it.  I want to stop dreaming about it.  I wish Estella wasn’t on the fringes of my life, that we didn’t know the same people.  I think about her whenever I go to a shop where I know she bought a bag ages ago.  I worry I’ll run into her at the shopping centre nearest her home, despite the fact that it is the biggest in the country and often full of people.  I rarely saw her there when we were friends, and never thought about encountering her then, but now that I’m so nervous about seeing her it seems I can’t get the possibility out of my mind.

What hurts the most though is that I doubt she ever has similar thoughts.  I can’t envisage Estella having any of these worries.  I imagine that she just expunged me from her mind, all those months ago when we fell out, and that was that.  Moving on out, moving on up.   

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still incredibly angry with how she interfered.  I don’t want to be friends again, I don’t want to forgive her, I would quite like it if she moved to the other side of the world, or at least to another city.  Actually that’s not entirely true;  I would LOVE IT if she wasn’t here anymore. 

It was my birthday recently and normally Estella and I, and two mutual friends, would have lunch to acknowledge it.  The three of them would go in on a combined present for me, and it would be a really nice time.  We have a long tradition, the four of us, of doing this for each of our birthdays, for many years now.

This year the We was just three.  That didn’t bother me.  But what surprisingly hurt me, so many months after Estella and I said our last to each other, was the absence of her name on the card.  It brought home to me that we are not in each others’ lives anymore.  And it made me sad.